So scrolling thru TikTok as i normally do i came accross a gorgeous women who said
Whales dont die of old age they just eventually get so tired they just drown.#
How sad is that. To think u spend your whole life swimming and taking water for granted to just be killed it.
……………………………………………………………………………………….
Maybe thats what we are doing slowly drowning in our own lives and when we die its because our body and minds are just too tired to carry on.
Today i have thought alot about all that has gone on the last year.
I sometimes feel like i am drowning in all that has happened in the last year.
Then sometimes i feel like i have done amazing to get through it all.
Other days i have no idea if im doing good or bad.
So in the last 12 months
MY MUM DIED
2 OF MY FOSTER MUMS DIED
MY FOSTER BROTHER DIED
MY DOG DIED
MY KIDS WERE LOOKED IN A HOUSE BY THERE DAD TWICE
I HAVE COURT TO GET FULL CUSTODY
THE CORONA VIRUS PUT US ON LOCK DOWN
MY PARTNER MESSAGED HIS EX TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD TIMES
I HAD MY OVARIES OUT
BACK ON CHEMO MEDS.
I think thats it. Maybe everyones life is like this an im taking it all to harsh. My hair is thinning i am back to doing adult work and im pushing everyone away unintentionally. My partner and i have worked through everything and for some unknown reason he is sticking around.
Last weekend i did something stupid and the bad thing is its all a blank. I remember going to my friends house having a small glass of wine. then going to the furnances and having a barcardi and coke and jagershots. then went to her house. we danced and her ex offered me drugs if i got my friend to sleep with him. we got in an arguement as thats not ok.
Thats the last i remember. The next day the police arrested me. I had got in my car and crashed it. well burst the tires. I went to the station the breath tested me at 55. They are not allowed to interview u until u are 35. Alcohol would normally leave ur system at about 10 per hour. I was there 5 hours and it took double the amount of time for the drink to leave my system. The police kept telling me that they would not have charged if i was a normal person and the alcohol level would have gone down as normal.
I now have a court date to worry about. Is there a chance of prison? Would i cope in prison.
How will i cope without a car when i have trouble walking distances. Will my partner stay with me if i become even more reliant on him.
I have decided that im going to speak to a doctor about all this and see if i can get some help. I have never believed in councilling but if i keep it all inside will i just crack.
Whats ur thoughts?
1 in 10 women have this disease but alot of doctors dont know about it or think they know and are wrong.
Im not an expert but i know a few things.
I have had 13 operations which have included –
Removing my ovaries
Removing my womb
My appendix was covered in endo and had to be removed
Had endo removed
Bladder and Bowel reconstruction
So i know a little. So when i phoned up for the prostap injection and my doctor said we need permission from the hospital i thought that was fine.
Just to have the local gynae say if u have had ur ovaries removed u dont have the injection.
WELL THATS NOT TRUE….
Endometriosis produces eastrogen just like the ovaries. This is what makes the endo grow and spread. THEREFORE even if the ovaries are removed endo continues to grow and spread. This is why the prostap injection is still given because it stops the endo and shrinks it.
The only way to stop endometriosis is but removing all of it.
…………………………
I am so sick of doctors not having a clue and me having to go back to square one again.
My partner is back at work, my kids are back at school and i sat in my car for an hour this morning just cause i didnt want to go into the house knowing i would be alone.
I dont do well alone at all. I cry, i get into my own head, i cant distract myself.
Yes Tarley was a dog but on multiple time she protected me against the ex. When i was pregnant with my son he went for me Tarley bite him and would not get off my lap. I use to protect her to when he use to go for her with a knife. The kids have been given the usual story that Tarley has gone to the farm.
I know she is gone but i walk down stairs expecting her to be there. Think i need ot be quiet in case i wake her. I went down stairs this morning without even thinking and open the back door for her and went back to bed.
I know it was her time to go and she was so weak she went very quickly but doesnt make it any easier.
I asked my partner for a date things would get better
but he didnt understand
i dont want a date he is certain but just something to work towards a end date. not a realistic one but just someday
Sounds silly to some but i need something, someday, anything in my life
Its unbelievable how much i want another child.
Some one walked into work with there new born i had to walk out and ended up in tears.
Endometriosis is so cruel.
The pain
13 operations that have made no difference
The 6 miscarriages
The hospital stays
People not believing a illness they cant see
The bloating and painful swelling
Not able to have more kids
The endless pain meds that i try not to rely on
The early menopause at 35
The chemo meds i have to take that no one cares about cause i dont have them for cancer
Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.
So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.
At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.
Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.
But i have blogged about it before.
I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.
So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.
Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.
His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.
My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.
But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.
I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.
The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.
But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.
Anyway thats enough from me for the night.
So this one is to my partner the one i love.
Im writing this down or typing as the case may be, because these things are hard to say and if i type them maybe just maybe i will be able to get through it all.
It helps im on morphine tonight as the box in my head these things are normally locked in is open.
Where to start…
Well you know the abortion i had at 14 plays on my mind. My step dads child (thought he was my real dad at the time). I was 20 weeks. The baby was alive inside me, it had finger nails and hair. My parents had some one pic me up and take me to mary stopes in london. I got a room to myself. I was taken down the cord was cut and i had to wait over night for my baby to die inside me. My child no matter how i got pregnant this was a living person. My baby, my first. the next day i was taken back down to have my baby removed. The whole time i was there i barely spoke and was in shock. I just cried.
But how did i get pregnant……….
my “dad and it wasnt the first time, or just him. All i know is we had a “uncle” stay with us and my mum would go out to bingo.
I remember running, screaming, hitting, i was tiny, It started at 9 years old and a total of 5 men. My “dad”, “Uncle”,people my parents know and my mums brother Derek. It hurt alot. The smell of deisel, the bruises, heaviness.
This might be hard to read and im sorry but u should know why i am like i am.
one night my mum went out, my sisters were at sleep overs, my dad had a friend over. I didnt get out of bed for 2 days after that night. I dont know why but im having flash backs. The wooden table was a little higher then me. i had bruises accross my hips. I bled for days. i was 11.
I was scared and i was alone. so when we watch a program that shows rape or violence and i go quiet. It means something has come back to me out the box. For now i will stop typing, but just know i am trying my best. Im trying to still be normal at 35.
YEP ITS JUST ME
There is a certain women that i hate.
NAME: Kelly
Reason: she happens to be my partners ex. Now normally this would not be a reason for me to hate her. But heres the story.
In september i was taken to hospital in severe pain (endometriosis playing up again). I was dosed up on more morphine then i usually take. Plus was waiting to be admitted and to be given a low dose of chemo. My partner needed to sort something out so left for about 45mins. Within in this time i received a phone call saying my mum had 2 days to live. Obvious reasons i was hysterical. I told the doctors to let me discharge myself as soon as my partner got back. They gave me the injection and let me leave with him. The plan was to go and see my mum who was about 3 hours away.
Heres where i started to hate her. My partner contacted her and asked if he could miss having the kids that night and she said no. So i didnt go and arranged that his youngest would come the next day and go with my partner to a play area while i was saying my goodbyes to my mum and his eldest would go to school and after school club. We arranged it all. Kelly found out and part of the way to my mums she cancelled his eldest afterschool club. Leaving us no choice but to turn round and come back. My mum died the next day. I never said goodbye and for all the hassle she then contacted my partners family who proceed to call me and kick off at me while i was out.
I never got to see my mum as i was on way to many meds to drive myself and my partner had any child care he pre arranged taken off him.
Thats not it..
Then came my mums funeral. Now if u have read my other entries you will know i have been sexually assulted as i child by family members. one is my mums brother. He was attending the funeral. Now it took me years to come to terms with it all and its something u never get over. I couldnt go alone so wanted my partner there. It was all arranged and once again all plans got cancelled. I never said goodbye and the hospital and also not at her funeral. There is no grave to visit and no way to get closure.
But what most dont know is that when her mum died i sent my partner (her ex) round with flowers. I told him to make sure we had the kids not only for the few days following but also for the funeral.
But none of that matters. She went to her mums funeral. She has told lies and my partners mum doesnt have any interest in even knowing. His sisters hate me.
All i want is for anyone to recognise her for what she is.
Every weekend her kids come mine. Lovely boys and its like they are my own. But people say she is an amazing mum but if thats the case why is her nearly 5 year old treated like a baby. I have had to teach him to put his shoes on and to get dressed. Why does he come with new bruises every weekend. That im the only one who is questioning it. Apparently he is clumsy, funny how he has only ever hurt himself once here. The fact that neither child is able to share and cries over the smallest thing.
Im not the greatest mum out there i know that. but my 5 year old can read and write and gets her own clothes out. My 7 year old will offer to play games with my partners eldest. Granted not all the time.
Her nickname is princess. Its annoying that no one will stand up to her, not even my partner. He will put it off and put it off. He says fuck them and what they thing but still pass pleasantries with his family. He could have told her to go fuck herself and made sure i saw my mum. But nope no one bothers. And im not allowed to mention anything. so i sit getting angrier and angrier. Bottling it up.
But its not the first time she has caused issues. I had 2 of my step mums die last year aswell and also a court case for my kids and guess what i did the court case alone aswell.
The day of barbaras funeral i was unable to go as the court ordered my ex to give the kids back as he locked them in a house. But i was alone as always.
People like Kelly will always use the sympathy vote and play the victim. I unfortunately will never have anyone willing to go against the grain and fight my corner
guess its time to get back to my old self.
the one thats always alone.
the one that is only contacted or spoken to when some one wants something or needs to complain about some one else.
am i not interesting enough?
do i not like the right things?
am i not friend material?
or even gf material.?
we all know im not wife material
im the girl u fuck
im sick of letting my guard down to have it thrown back in my face, u would have thought i would have learnt by now. learnt to stay guarded.
but nope i fall in love, or give to much.
whether its a friend or a partner, sooner or later they run out of things to say and then thats it.
some people can handle feeling alone in a crowded room. i am not one of those people. |I start to think what have i done wrong. maybe im not interesting enough or pretty enough
im not the smartest,
im not the prettiest,
im not interesting,
so what am i………………….
im not left with alot.
im the one thats ill, but doesnt look it
im the one with no family
im the only that the boys wanna fuck
im the one that doesnt matter
the one that will stand by and let people do what they want.
im the one that has no family or friends.
the one with scars on her body.
the one that goes through 13 operations alone cause no one cares enough to come.
the one that has no one turn up to there funeral.
but i plod along still in hope that one day some one will think im special. and i will let my guard down to end up being alone again and again.
things are not great but no one notices. im told i over think thing and maybe i do. but surely there must be things in the first place for me to over think them.
im sure its me it always is. something cant be wrong with everyone else. im the common in it all. ME. the one that has no friends and feels no love.
so i sit in bed or on the sofa alone doing a cross stitch for no one to see. i plod through every day just like the last. getting angry and upset for no one to even notice.
so until i write again thanks for reading
