Tag: health

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BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

 

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.

Another Day

so today is another day of pain. To the point i am passing out again. I start a new job  tomorrow and i can barely walk, when i do im limping. Should i have stayed off sick like i was told to or am i doing the right thing and working.

All i know is that i have alot of pain. Didnt even have the strength to dye my hair today.

The PAIN:

Im not talking about a little pain, a little pain i can handle i hav can my shoulder popped out and back in with  no pain meds. so when i say im in pain i mean it. and if other people see im in pain then it rediculously bad as i hide it as much as i can.

But this pain feels like my left hip is constantly being punched from behind but some one is trying to rip it out at the same time.

when i stand or try to walk it feels dislocated and sends sharp pains accross my tummy and don my leg.

Passing out from the pain is not fun i am covered in bruises. How can i be sexy and attractive when i passout, have bruises and cant bare to wear clothes.

i have been given the prostap injection again on friday waiting for it to kick in.

 

Honestly dont know how im gonna cope this week. but i have to. and i will spend most nights in bed crying from the pain i am in.

 

I best sleep

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Endometriosis and the Medical Profesionals

I think I spelt the title wrong.

But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.

I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.

Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.

The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.

Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.

Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.

The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.

  • if you have the meds why call us.
  • doctors can deal with this
  • your blood pressure and pulse are fine
  • why do I not just go to bed
  • if you collapse don’t call us back here.

Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.

So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.

I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.

Nothing has changed

Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.

I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.

I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.

 

People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.

Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.

Suicide

I seem to be all doom and gloom lately.

It got to the point I couldn’t cope. Thinking going out with a gf would help.

It didn’t and last night I tried to kill myself

I did research and took the amount of meds it said would kill me. So why am I still here

I don’t believe in the  ‘I’m alive for a reason’.

I wrote my note I settled in bed. Put some music on and layed down. And I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best I had felt in ages. I finally fell asleep.

But I was woken up by my ex (we live together as I’m disabled)

He has acted like nothing has happened. Helped me in a bath and to the toilet while I’m bringing sick. But won’t talk about last night or why I did it.

So here’s why

I’m just so alone. I can say I only really have 2 good friends and they live miles away.

I have to go work tomorrow and I know I will come home in agony.

Everyday is a pain day now.

I go to bed at 7 every night so my ex can game online.

So I sit in my room doing nothing

I know I will be called selfish as I have kids, but all they see is mummy in pain and in the hospital constantly.

Life has just got to hard. I have no mum or dad. My 5 sisters don’t wanna know me. Who do I run to to talk.

 

 

 

 

Loss

Loosing anyone in life is hard and something u never really get over.

Mine isn’t a person I have lost. I don’t have any family in my life. Mine is I have had 3 miscarriages and have lost the ability to have more kids and 3 cats in 3 months.

I sit here at night in a room alone when everyone else is asleep and think of how my oldest would have been 18 now. I did have 2 babies and the are 6 and 3. So gorgeous.

But it’s doesn’t stop the hurting that now I had to have a hysterectomy in 2017 I will never be a mummy again. But  called selfish as others can’t have one. I cherish everyday with them. But walking down the baby Isle or each birthday they have I get sad. No matter how hard I try not to.

It’s gonna sound silly but my cat had kittens and one in particular followed me around, slept with me and was always there. It was like having a baby again. But she had been promised to another family. I cried when she left and I don’t get emotional over animals normally.

Over Christmas I lost to more cats, one a kitten that died with me holding him. I was cuddling him when hi took his last breath. I’m sitting her crying. I’m so emotional. Then we got a knock from the neighbour to say there is a injured cat outside. And yes it was my baby gothem he was the runt of the litter and wasn’t breathing when he was born. I brought him back. He got run over. I rushed him to the vets and but they had to put him down in my arms. The vet hugged me. And now my cat Blaze is missing looked everywhere so worried about him.

Loss isn’t just loosing a family member or friend its a feeling. A horrible feeling that creeps up on u when ur alone and laying in bed.

 

Endometriosis Awareness

So I’m not sure who will read this but this month is

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH

Most people won’t know what endometriosis is. Although it effects 1 in 10 women across the world.

It is the lining of the womb attaching to places outside the womb. Meaning it sticks organs together and bleed each month just like a normal period.

Here are some of the symptoms

– Heavy irregular periods

(Heavy enough to cause you to faint and become anaemic)

– Servere pain all month round

(This can cause people to pass out and vomit)

– Bloating

(You can bloat up more then 4 times bigger then ur usual dress size)

– Painful sex

– Painful bowel movements

– Hip pain

– Back pain

– Infertility

These are just some of the symptoms that wen with Endometriosis have to go thru. Right now there is no cure and no real treatment. We don’t get much support either as most people think it’s normal for a women and just regular period pains.

HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE

Not sure where to start. I was officially diagnosed in 2006 via laparoscopy. A key hole surgery so they can look in ur abnominal area. But my pain started since my periods began. With cramping and bleeding so heavy I was passing out and missing school.

No one understood and thought I was exaggerating the normal for every other women. My Foster mum atm even checked my sanitary pads to see if I was lying.

Even on the day of my laporoscopy my partner at the time threatened to leave me if they found nothing.

Since then I have had 11 operations including a hysterectomy as I was told it would cure me. (what a lie that was). My appendix removed as it was covered in endometriosis. And bladder reconstruction surgery due to endometriosis again.

I have had 6 miscarriages and thank good I have 2 gorgeous kids now.

I must have visited AnE more then 100 times to just here the doctors saying I’m after drugs. The truth is I have more morphine on my cupboards at home then a pharmacy has. If it worked I would not have gone to the hospital in the first place. I have been sent away after being told its just a urine infection. It gets to the point that I cry when a doctor actually knows what endometriosis is and actually helps me.

I pass out when I’m pooping due to pain and collapse random days. My stomach can go from flattish to 4 dress sizes in less then half hour. I cancel plans at the last minute and loose friends because of it.

Friends are a issue to me cause no one understands. Everyone has a friend that has endometriosis and they can work and go to gym and never cancel plans. So why do I.  One person said I must have relatives from Africa as only black people get endometriosis (that’s her exact words, stupid I know)

I have my family and my partners family saying I fake it. This has to be one of the the loneliest illnesses. I myself have tried to commit suicide over this.

My reality is my days are unpredictable and painful. I smile everyday so no one notices the pain I’m in.

Mental Health and Endometriosis

No one tells you about this side of things. The emotional stress and depression that you suffer.

And it never goes away.

From suffering for years and no one taking you seriously, from being called a druggie and a drug seeker, in my case my partner at the time threatening to split up with me if nothing was found wrong with me, loosing job after job, the pain, the lack of sex and feeling useless, the feeling of if you can have kids will my daughter be affected and the guilt. Then there is what I am suffering from at the moment which no one understands.

The feeling of loss. This is the part I cant get help for and the part I cant tell anyone. Because when I tried I got a lot of backlash off it. I was fortunate enough to have 2 kids although went through 6 miscarriages. How weird is it that I would have a 18 year old right now. I always wanted a big family as I don’t have any family. Just wanted my kids to have some one when I am unable to function.

That’s not the loss I am on about even though I think of my other 6 children everyday I am suffering from another loss aswell.

In 2017 I was taking into surgery for a total hysterectomy due to my uterus being attached to one side of my bladder. Im not sure that is something I will ever get over. It may get easier some days but its still there every day. When I see women treating kids wrong they have loads of kids hows that fair, when I walk down the baby clothes isle (which I try to avoid). When Facebook shows me pics from years ago and its my kids as babies. when I go in hospital and they always ask if im pregnant and the ask if im sure. When jobs ask if I plan on having anymore. Or people who I have told forget and make a comment like bet you want another kids soon. Watching my children grow is an amazing thing but every year they have a birthday its a reminder I will never have a baby again.

No I tell some one this and all I get is your so lucky to have two already. I know I am and they are beautiful and gorgeous. but why can no one understand my loss. I have a friend who cant have kids at all and I do feel for I really do, she is one of my oldest friends but cant talk to her about this.

Every day I feel down but I have to carry on. Im finding its making me angry and like today I rehomed one of my gorgeous kittens and that set me off in tears. I don’t know why the idea of me never being pregnant again is getting me so upset and depressed.