Tag: pain

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Just another day on my head

So sick of being in my head. Now i am on morphine daily those things i had locked away are now roaming round my head.

I have no idea how to handle them. Im having nightmares again. But cant not sleep as the morphine makes me just fall asleep without warning.

But im just maoning again and no one wants to hear that.

So i have made a tiktok if u wanna follow me. Its basically a story of me on meds. u can see the effects its having.

Username: @socialbutterfly13

On another note i think i lost some endometriosis thru my bowels this morning. The pain was herrendous and im so tired from the ordeal.

Im tired and worn out.

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urgh

Im so sick of feeling ill and in pain.

Everyday i wake up hurting it ranges from a dull ache to pain where i cant get out of bed.

I have now tapped a nerve in my left arm and have more meds to take for that. Waking up everyday in pain is draining.

I feel weak and drained.

Taking my kids swimming this afternoon and im dreading it. I am only able to use one arm and i have 2 kids that cant swim.

I cant get comfy. sitting, laying and sleeping is uncomfortable

Another Day

so today is another day of pain. To the point i am passing out again. I start a new job  tomorrow and i can barely walk, when i do im limping. Should i have stayed off sick like i was told to or am i doing the right thing and working.

All i know is that i have alot of pain. Didnt even have the strength to dye my hair today.

The PAIN:

Im not talking about a little pain, a little pain i can handle i hav can my shoulder popped out and back in with  no pain meds. so when i say im in pain i mean it. and if other people see im in pain then it rediculously bad as i hide it as much as i can.

But this pain feels like my left hip is constantly being punched from behind but some one is trying to rip it out at the same time.

when i stand or try to walk it feels dislocated and sends sharp pains accross my tummy and don my leg.

Passing out from the pain is not fun i am covered in bruises. How can i be sexy and attractive when i passout, have bruises and cant bare to wear clothes.

i have been given the prostap injection again on friday waiting for it to kick in.

 

Honestly dont know how im gonna cope this week. but i have to. and i will spend most nights in bed crying from the pain i am in.

 

I best sleep

Laying in the bath at 3.11am. THANKS endo

It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.

With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.

My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.

I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.

THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)

But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.

The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.

Things I have found out this week…

Love isn’t dead.

Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.

I have a seizure before I become unconscious.

This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.

This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.

Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Heart pounding, head broken.

It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.

Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.

I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.

The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.

Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.

I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.

His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.

 

I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.

 

I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.

But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.

Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.

 

 

 

Endometriosis Awareness

So I’m not sure who will read this but this month is

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH

Most people won’t know what endometriosis is. Although it effects 1 in 10 women across the world.

It is the lining of the womb attaching to places outside the womb. Meaning it sticks organs together and bleed each month just like a normal period.

Here are some of the symptoms

– Heavy irregular periods

(Heavy enough to cause you to faint and become anaemic)

– Servere pain all month round

(This can cause people to pass out and vomit)

– Bloating

(You can bloat up more then 4 times bigger then ur usual dress size)

– Painful sex

– Painful bowel movements

– Hip pain

– Back pain

– Infertility

These are just some of the symptoms that wen with Endometriosis have to go thru. Right now there is no cure and no real treatment. We don’t get much support either as most people think it’s normal for a women and just regular period pains.

HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE

Not sure where to start. I was officially diagnosed in 2006 via laparoscopy. A key hole surgery so they can look in ur abnominal area. But my pain started since my periods began. With cramping and bleeding so heavy I was passing out and missing school.

No one understood and thought I was exaggerating the normal for every other women. My Foster mum atm even checked my sanitary pads to see if I was lying.

Even on the day of my laporoscopy my partner at the time threatened to leave me if they found nothing.

Since then I have had 11 operations including a hysterectomy as I was told it would cure me. (what a lie that was). My appendix removed as it was covered in endometriosis. And bladder reconstruction surgery due to endometriosis again.

I have had 6 miscarriages and thank good I have 2 gorgeous kids now.

I must have visited AnE more then 100 times to just here the doctors saying I’m after drugs. The truth is I have more morphine on my cupboards at home then a pharmacy has. If it worked I would not have gone to the hospital in the first place. I have been sent away after being told its just a urine infection. It gets to the point that I cry when a doctor actually knows what endometriosis is and actually helps me.

I pass out when I’m pooping due to pain and collapse random days. My stomach can go from flattish to 4 dress sizes in less then half hour. I cancel plans at the last minute and loose friends because of it.

Friends are a issue to me cause no one understands. Everyone has a friend that has endometriosis and they can work and go to gym and never cancel plans. So why do I.  One person said I must have relatives from Africa as only black people get endometriosis (that’s her exact words, stupid I know)

I have my family and my partners family saying I fake it. This has to be one of the the loneliest illnesses. I myself have tried to commit suicide over this.

My reality is my days are unpredictable and painful. I smile everyday so no one notices the pain I’m in.

The Truth about Endometriosis

I was diagnosed in 2006 at the age of 22. But the pain started years before.

This is going to go in depth so if you are squeamish this might not be the blog for you.

It all started at 14 when I got my period. The pain was horrendous and the bleeding was scary. I bleed for 11 days and went through 3 backs of pads. I was worried and scared but was told it was normal.

The periods carried on this way to the extent I was in a lesson and waited til everyone had left because I had bleed through onto the seat enough to make a puddle. But once again I was told this was normal.

I was a shy girl and did not know how to talk about things and even though I had 5 sisters was not close to any of them, so didn’t discuss anything with them. I was a lonely child.

At 16 I got pregnant and lost my baby at 4 months. It was devastating but was told it happens to everyone. Since then I have misscarragied 5 more babies due to endometriosis. They were all bad and scary.

Although one stands out. I got cramps and it wasn’t endo didn’t think nothing of it and didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Then the bleeding started but this time it was different. I had misscarriaged before so I kinda knew. I went to the doctors and they confirmed the miscarriage although I had not passed all the tissue so was give a pill to help me pass the rest. The second pill i had to take at the hospital. It was heart breaking.

I arrived at the hospital and was taken to the maternity ward and put in a side room. I could hear women in labour and babies crying. The pain got worse and worse and I was alone. I passed the baby and the nurse asked me if I wanted to look. Who asks that question I was not far gone so my baby was more blood then anything else. I told her something didn’t feel right. But 10 mins after I miscarried she sent me home. I walked home alone that night. It was around 10 at night.

I was going to a car show and felt fine just slight back ache. Whilst there the craps started again, I managed to hide it and on the way home I asked the friend drive to take it easy as pain was bad. he was a dick and thought it was funny to go the route with all the speed bumps. By the time I got back to my area I asked him to drop me off at the hospital. I was in agony but no one came with me. I told the receptionist what was happening, by this time I was bleeding all down my legs and informed them this and told to just sit down. I called a friend to bring me pads and I was changing all the time. The waiting room was packed and there was blood all over me. I finally got taken in and was told until they confirm I was actually miscarriaging they would not give me pain meds. I was made to walk to the toilets every time I felt I was bleeding or passing my baby. They even brought in gas and air for me as soon as it was confirmed. The pain stopped after I passed large tissue. I had a scan to reveal that it still wasn’t over. A week later they called me in for a DNC.

Although all miscarriages are bad that’s the one that haunts me the most.

There are so many lies about endometriosis. I fell for one of them. The one that says a hysterectomy cures Endo. I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago yesterday and its been my biggest regret. I have 2 gorgeous babies and would not change them for the world. But having the choice taken away to have more is devastating.

I have had 11 operations due to endometriosis.

When I had my first operation to diagnose me my partner at the time did not believe me and told me if they find nothing he is leaving me.

Everything is worse now. Sex is painful, shitting is painful, I swell up 2 dress sizes in minutes, I cant exercise much, lost multiple jobs, have more operations coming. The pain is unbearable some days to the point I throw up and pass out.

The part that is the worse is that people don’t believe you. They don’t understand that you are in agony but have to carry on your day anyway. I have had people not believe I have had operations cause I bounce back fast. What they don’t understand is the pain from the operations including the hysterectomy is nothing compared to endometriosis pain.

I have had doctors say I go to hospital to get meds. I go to hospital when its got to the point that the morphine I have at home is not working anymore and im in so much pain I cant cope. I have had ambulances refuse to take me to hospital because its an on going condition I should know the signs.

That’s a picture of my belly swollen leaving me in pain and unable to move much.

Endometriosis is a terrible disease and barely anyone knows about it