The day is here and I’m st in my sexy surgical stockings and 2 gowns
Not the way I wanted to spend valentines day
Seen the 2 surgeons and have been told on a scan there is a block of endo/scar tissue at the back of my bowels. This will make the surgery alot worse. Alot more risks.
How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?
Chest is hearting AGAIN.
Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.
Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.
People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.
BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.
I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.
Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.
I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.
I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?
All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.
You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.
SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.
People say we make our own luck.
Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.
Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.
Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.
Be positive they say. (love to see them try)
Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.
OK HERE GOES…
Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.
While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.
I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road. I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.
I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.
Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.
Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.
I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.
I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.
And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.
If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.
Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.
I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.
Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.
My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.
How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.
My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.
Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.
Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.
Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.
Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.
What would u do?
It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.
With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.
My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.
I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.
THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)
But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.
The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.
Things I have found out this week…
Love isn’t dead.
Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.
I have a seizure before I become unconscious.
This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.
This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.
Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx
So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.
My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.
Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.
Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.
Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.
But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.
Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.
I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.
Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.
I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?
I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.
I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.
But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.
I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.
I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.
I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”
It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.
I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.
The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.
These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.
I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.
Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.
It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.
Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.
I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.
The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.
Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.
I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.
His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.
I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.
I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.
But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.
Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.
I think I spelt the title wrong.
But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.
I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.
Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.
The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.
Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.
Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.
The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.
Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.
So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.
I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.
Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.
I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.
I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.
People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.
Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.
I seem to be all doom and gloom lately.
It got to the point I couldn’t cope. Thinking going out with a gf would help.
It didn’t and last night I tried to kill myself
I did research and took the amount of meds it said would kill me. So why am I still here
I don’t believe in the ‘I’m alive for a reason’.
I wrote my note I settled in bed. Put some music on and layed down. And I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best I had felt in ages. I finally fell asleep.
But I was woken up by my ex (we live together as I’m disabled)
He has acted like nothing has happened. Helped me in a bath and to the toilet while I’m bringing sick. But won’t talk about last night or why I did it.
So here’s why
I’m just so alone. I can say I only really have 2 good friends and they live miles away.
I have to go work tomorrow and I know I will come home in agony.
Everyday is a pain day now.
I go to bed at 7 every night so my ex can game online.
So I sit in my room doing nothing
I know I will be called selfish as I have kids, but all they see is mummy in pain and in the hospital constantly.
Life has just got to hard. I have no mum or dad. My 5 sisters don’t wanna know me. Who do I run to to talk.
